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We haveJokes and more Jokes.
I get the Jokes from all over and we sure don't want to insult anyone, please enjoy if you have a sense of humor.
Blond jokes are the best and I am a blond. LOL
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is, "she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop." One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" "No, I don't," said the little boy. "Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room, yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of Ass!"
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."
The Wedding Night... Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, "Mike, let me tell you something.
On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on." She did and said, "These are too big I can't wear them." I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took of f his pants and said to Karen, "Here - try these on." She tried them on and said, "These are too large. They don't fit me." Mike said, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that."
> >Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, "Here, you try on mine." He did and said, "I can't get into your pants." Karen said,"Exactly. And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will." Subject: FW: It's all backwards
I want to live my next life backwards: You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you Have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then... You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then
You finish off as an orgasm.
> Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together. Darryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Darryl said, "Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in, to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes? asked the mortician. Yup, I never seen 'em, but everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes." Blond Jokes CAR TROUBLE > A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. > She says, "What's the story?" > He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor." > She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshitand Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Don't you just Love it!!! Red-neck Jokes How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel ? . . When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, Go ahead.
How can you tell if a redneck is married ? . . There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck. Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder . 1) The DNA is all the same 2) There's no dental records Who invented the toothbrush ? . . A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been called a teeth brush.) A State Trooper pulls over a pickup on Hig hway 16 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D. ?" . . and the driver replies "Bout wut ?" Did you hear about the $3 million Redneck Lottery ? . . The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years. A new Redneck law was just recently passed . . When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins. Did you hear that the Redneck governor's mansion burned down ? . . "Yep. Pert'near took out the whole trailer park, said the redneck, the library was a total loss too. Both books went poof . . . up in flames and the governor hadn't even finished coloring one of them." A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his care giver!' The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed ... The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Let's see what you bought.' Short Jokes Foot Note Jokes: One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob: "If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts One Day In The West Jokes A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job... One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now ! take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
We have more Jokes Long Jokes Subject: FW: The Stella Awards > It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar > with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who > spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in > New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the > lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. > Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right? > > > That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and > verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch > your head. So keep your head scratcher handy. > > > Here are the Stella's for the past year:
7TH PLACE: > Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her > peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running > inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised > by the verdi ct, considering the running toddler was her own son. >
no joke.
6TH PLACE: > Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical > expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman > apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when > he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. > > > Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.
no joke.
5TH PLACE: > Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he > had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, > the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the > garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the > door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it > shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of > Pepsi and A large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance > company claiming undue mental Anguish. > > Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 > for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish. Keep > scratching. There are more...
no joke.
4TH PLACE: > Jerry Williams, of Little Rock , Arkansas , garnered 4th Place in the > Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being > bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the > beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard Williams did not get as > much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have > been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed > over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet > gun. > > > Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.
no joke.
3RD PLACE: > Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a > Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a > spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was > on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds > earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being > responsible for their own actions? > > > Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more > Stella's to go.. >
no joke.
2ND PLACE: > Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a > nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, > knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to > sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover > charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her! $12,000 ....oh, > yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.
no joke.
Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?Guy Jokes 1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX? (because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX? (They don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG? (They don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS? (Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5.. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS? (So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN? (You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN? (Don't know.....it never happened) (C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite: 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH? (Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart...Then you are just an old sour fart! I gotta tell you #4's my favorite jokeParent Jokes
WHY PARENTS LOVE THEIR CHILDREN A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding re al passion with Macy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Macy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Macy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana! d oesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Macy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John P. S. - Dad, none of the above is true. It was a joke. I'm over at Tommy's house. I wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card. That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home. .and that's no joke. Girl Jokes One for the girls Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my shape to keep. Please no wrinkles, Please no bags And please lift my butt before it sags. Please no age spots, Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away. Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young, And thank you Dear Lord, For all that you've done. Five tips for a woman....
1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You. 4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.
5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!
That was a joke! Thought for the day ... As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together It spells "THEIRS"?
Thats no joke. click hear for one more Jokes Jokes, Jokes, Jokes, Jokes and more jokes
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